You’ve probably read in HB Today that the Hawke’s Bay Hospital is going to use electronic wristbands to help track patients in the emergency department. Lord knows there’s no telling how far a mortally ill or injured victim can wander when they haven’t been seen in hours!

Anyway …

Inspired by the hospital’s example, our local councils have come with innovative ways to use this tracking technology.

At the Hastings Council, electronic wristbands will be required for all area land developers.

Says Environmental Manager Ian Macdonald: “If the developers wear the wristbands and their unique electronic signatures are also embedded in their proposed plan changes and resource consents, we can process all this paperwork far faster and more efficiently. There’s a lot of land out there waiting to be developed, and we have roughly 2,487 developers in Hastings alone. It’s a helluva job to track these guys and everything they want to do. Andy Lowe alone can be working on a couple of hundred projects at a time. Our job is to expedite their work and these wristbands will surely give us a helping hand.”

In Napier, electronic wristbands will be assigned to two groups of angry dissidents — all residents of the Orotu Park (aka Parklands Estate) subdivision and all residents who have signed the “Bring Back the Dolphins” petition.

Says Igor Stravinsky, chief of Mayor Arnott’s personal security detail: “The downside of being a strong, decisive mayor is that some people just get very pissed at the poor lady. These two dissident groups in particular have their knickers pulled short, and I’m worried about the mayor being harassed. Anyone wearing one of these wristbands will set off a buzzer if they come within 20 meters of the mayor, and then our security detail will have plenty of time to spring into action. These folks are within their rights to tell the mayor to bugger off … but more than that and we’ll Taser the suckers.”

At the HB Regional Council, rumour has it that environmental czar Murray Buchanan has proposed clamping the electronic wristbands on radical greenies David Renouf and Bill Dodds.

Buchanan was overheard remarking: “I’m tired of these guys popping up all over the Bay taking water samples! I want to know where they are 24/7. And maybe we should stick one on McIntyre too … he’s sounding a bit too green now that he’s got the big chair.”

Baybuzz asked Dave Tinkler, Christchurch-based inventor of the wristband technology, what he thought of these applications. “There’s just no limit on Kiwi ingenuity,” he gushed. “With this kind of inventiveness and with so many people to track, my company can get as big as Telecom. Pretty soon, wearing one of our wristbands will be a status symbol. I just hope our production team can keep up with the demand.”

BayBuzz note to self: Invest in this company.


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