The Hawke’s Bay Vote Certification Commission (HBVCC) just issued a bulletin at 11:00pm, October 24th, that completely changes key outcomes in recent elections and contests throughout the region.

The HBVCC is the body that officially confirms the final outcomes of all elections, contests and competitions in the Bay. Decisions of the HBVCC are absolutely final and cannot be appealed.

In their bulletin, the HBVCC reports that it found irregularities in several recent elections and contests. In a stunning discovery, it appears that votes from different elections were accidentally mixed together during the counting process. New and final results are now available here at BayBuzz.

Said Peter Roffewood, Chief Election Officer for the HBVCC: “I want to assure voters and contestants of all kinds, there is absolutely no evidence of intentional vote fraud or other foul play. What has occurred here was the result of sheer accident. We knew we should not have employed temporary vote counters from Lithuania, but we just couldn’t resist their low prices, given voter pressures to keep costs down.”

Roffewood refused further comment on exactly what the accident was, saying simply: “For me to say more would irreparably damage our relations with Lithuania, which is beyond my pay grade.”

Now that the mixing has occurred, there apparently is no way the HBVCC can untangle the mess. As a result, some erstwhile winners already celebrating various elections and competitions now find themselves on the losing side … sometimes to surprising opponents.

Said Roffewood, “What’s the big deal? Most voters won’t notice the differences anyway … hell, over 600 of these dimwits voted for withdrawn candidate Jarvis.”

Here are some of the most startling changes in voting outcomes:

  • Barbara Arnott has been handily defeated for Mayor of Napier by the Vidal Estate 2005 Reserve Syrah, apparently on the basis of the latter’s superior bouquet.
  • Eileen Von Dadelszen was narrowly clipped from her HBRC seat by only 22 seconds by A&P Show Shearing Champion David Fagan. As she was led from her office by building security, Von Dadelszen was heard muttering, “But I’ve got a blog and a Master’s degree in Public Policy.”
  • St. Georges Restaurant — or more precisely their savory Venison a la Sam Kelt — jumped from second place in the Hawke’s Bay Signature Dish contest to snatch the Hastings mayor’s office from Lawrence Yule. 
  • Results confirmed that Clifford Church lost his race, but now to new fishing record-holder Jack Price, popularly known as “Hucky the Flounder Man.” Church was uncharacteristically philosophical about his new loss, commenting: “I’d rather be beaten by a flounder than a dolphin.”
  • Simon Nixon might have lost his mayoral race, but he has won Champion Viticulturalist at the Mercedes Benz Wine Awards, just edging HB Excavating Competition veteran Tama Kawana.
  • Five incumbents running as a ticket for re-election to the HB District Health Board were in fact defeated by the legendary Woodford House Chamber Music group.
  • Finally, Robert Jarvis managed to eke out a victory after all in the Havelock North contest for Hastings Council, with the HBVCC ruling that since Jarvis pulled out of the competition before the withdrawal of Gunn Estate 2006 Skeetfield Chardonnay, he was the default winner. Said Jarvis, “I’m nothing if not a devious political strategist.”

Tom

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