In a bold move that astonished even his new Commerce Minister, Craig Foss, Prime Minister Key has sold New Zealand — all of it — to China. A Memorandum of Understanding has been signed between Key and Fourteenth Deputy Undersecretary for Minor Principalities in the Southern Hemisphere, Feng Shui. A working party is now finalising the details.

“I was thinking,” said Key, “why spend the next three years on nickle and dime asset sales and treaty settlements? And all those tiresome trade missions to work out pissant deals for apples and milk powder. Let’s wrap it up and go for something really big.” One cynic noted: “Key will get hammered just as much for selling 49% of New Zealand, so he’s made the political calculation that he might as well sell it all.”

Key is coy about the price his Government has negotiated for the fire sale, rumored to be in the high nine figures. “We’re actually looking at two pricing models,” he said, “One based on valuing each New Zealand citizen, those now living and through the projected next three generations. And one based on land, livestock and resource values.”

The PM cautioned that it could be weeks before the final deal is struck. Sources tell BayBuzz that the Chinese are reluctant to pay for more than one unborn generation of New Zealanders, claiming that the quality of our gene pool is steadily diminishing. We are told China might agree to multiple generations if New Zealand agrees to adhere to a strict ‘one child’ policy. Also in dispute is whether China should pay for permanent residents, given that, without a reciprocity agreement on such matters, China would probably summarily ship all these vagabonds back to where they came from.

A higher price might be fetched if the second model — based on land, livestock and resource values — is ultimately adopted. “The Chinese are hungry for this deal,” says Key. “For reasons I don’t comprehend, they seem willing to pay more for our dairy cows, coal, vineyards and water than they are willing to pay for our people. I never realised that stuff was so valuable.”

BayBuzz asked Key what the advantages were from this deal, apart from immediate financial convenience. He ticked off several …

  • Every New Zealander will get an immediate “Sino-signing Bonus” of $600. ‘Think of it,” exclaims Key, “That’s like getting an extra $50 a month in your paycheck for a whole year!” “Hey, that’s better than what we get from the Hawke’s Bay Power Consumers Trust,” observed Commerce Minister Foss. And you can take it in spring rolls.
  • New Zealand will not need to abide by any bothersome limits on greenhouse gas emissions. “We’ll be flying under the Chinese flag on all international climate negotiations, so we’re confident that our economic growth and animal farting won’t be impeded or penalised,” says Key. Sources tell BayBuzz, however, that in exchange for this provision, New Zealand will need to accept 360,000 garbage barges from China annually. Apparently these will be off-loaded in Invercargill.
  • China will take over all treaty claims negotiations and any resultant liabilities. However, the Maori Party is divided on this provision. Some believe that by establishing Maori ancestry back to China, our new owners will be morally obligated to assign higher status to Maori and award more substantial settlements to claimant groups. Others note that the Chinese squash minorities like bugs.
  • The Chinese will roll out ultra-fast broadband within one month to all of New Zealand, including rural areas. To skeptics, Key says: “We all saw what they did in preparing for the Olympics. Deputy Undersecretary Feng Shui has promised they’ll put one million engineers and trench diggers on the ground in New Zealand immediately to get this job done. Cost is no object to these buggers.”
  • The Chinese will permit all existing elected officeholders, including those in local government, to keep their jobs, albeit under the watchful eyes of one-on-one Chinese minders. “Our authority will be somewhat limited,” admits Key, “But I’ve learnt to say ‘dog licensing’ in Chinese.”

‘This deal removes all our problems,” exclaimed Key. “It’s time for us to kiss the Queen Mother good night and dock with the Mother Ship.”

Not everyone is quite as excited about the deal as Key.

The Green Party fears a hidden agenda and think that Key has been duped. “The calligraphy is on the wall,” protests Party Co-Leader Russel Norman, “They’ll strip us of our animals, water, minerals and forest carbon credits and use our rural landscapes as mere dump sites for their refuse. No wait, that’s the National Cabinet.”

Don Brash commented: “I’m OK with this only if they pay more for Pakeha than Maori.”

Barbara Arnott said: “Sister cities and shared services are one thing, but Napierites will die at the barricades before we agree to amalgamate with the Chinese.”

Actually, BayBuzz has learnt that a Chinese due diligence team has been in Napier for the past two weeks, but is still unable to calculate the actual size of Napier’s debt. Complained the team leader, Ngo Ching: “We should have reviewed all of New Zealand by now. But Napier’s finances are inscrutable!”

Tom Belford

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  1. This is so typical of John Key. What about the promise to offer New Zealand to Mum and Dad investors first? I've set aside $20 from my super for this, now I won't know what to do with it!

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