Man About Town

Dear Santa
From Andrew Frame

Dear Santa,

I believe in you. I know that’s highly unusual for someone in their 30’s, but I do.
It’s less than a month now until you visit, so I thought I had better get my list in before it’s too late. I‘ve been very good this year, so hope you will grant me at least some of the following wishes:

Please get Hastings a brand name that works and won’t cost millions. “The Heart of Hawke’s Bay” isn’t bad, but it’s not overly inspiring. I’ll even help by providing a bunch of Primary school kids and some crayons. You can pretty well guarantee whatever they come up with will be better than “Salt of the Earth” and it would only cost you some chocolate, chips and fizzy drink.

Some more glorious Hawke’s Bay summer weather would be nice. My usual pasty white skin tone has turned into a glaring shade of ivory and is starting to blind my fellow cricket teammates after the dreary, wet winter just gone. Speaking of cricket, Beloved would like Daniel Vettori for Christmas. I’ll leave that up to your discretion. But remember I’m the one who believes in you.

Can you please stop people referring to our lovely region as “The Hawke’s Bay”? There is no “the” … never has been. We don’t call other places “The Auckland” or “The Balclutha”, so could you please make it stop. Otherwise, a nice big lump of coal in the stockings of Jim Hickey, whoever does the ZM network radio and Euro City radio ads would suffice.

A silk-screen or digital T-shirt printer would be nice. I want to make up some shirts that say: “Art Deco is SO Last Century” and sell them at the next Art Deco Weekend. I think it would be fun to see how many of the visitors and locals have a sense of humor, irony, or a death wish.

Could you please make it a bumper season for local shops and businesses too? I know there are two schools of thought on the “family vs. commercialization” side of Christmas, but it’s been a crappy year fiscally, so to end it on a high note would be helpful.

I spent almost a decade in retail and know how hard and busy the Christmas period can be. But it’s also very cool being your “little helper” and pairing gifts up with people. I really used to love doing that.

And finally, some underwear and socks for me would be nice. I never really wanted the damn things when I used to get them as presents year after year. But the moment the supply stops, suddenly there’s none in the house. That’s ‘Murphy’s Law’ I guess. Either that or dodgy neighbors. If socks etc. are unavailable, a drive in a Porsche or Aston Martin would be a reasonable substitute. I promise I’ll take care of it.

Thank you and say Hi to the Easter Bunny for me.

Your former ‘little’ helper,
Andrew