Mark your calendar!

Here is the ‘behind the scenes’ event you’ve been waiting for. Better than the Conchords.

According to a media release just issued (download here … it’s real), Hawke’s Bay people will have the chance to go behind the scenes at Hawke’s Bay Regional Council. HBRC is going to hold an Open Day at its Napier offices on Tuesday 17 April.

“This is a fantastic opportunity for the public to find out more about our key projects and take a look at the wide range of work our staff are involved in,” says Chairman Wilson.

BayBuzz has the inside scoop on the activities planned for the full-day program. And you can witness it all.

8:30am
Media Fluff – Councillor Kevin Rose offers a resolution endorsing sunshine, giggling babies, ANZAC Day and the All Blacks. Followed by a ‘Puff Yourself’ audience participation exercise.

9:00am
The Right Debate – Watch with awe while canny Councillors Christine Scott and Eileen von Dadelszen debate whether, according to Standing Rules, minutes from previous Council meetings can be “amended” or merely “corrected”.

10:15am
Morning tea

10:30am
High stakes debate continues. Audience gets to vote on who won. Loser resigns from Council immediately.

11:00am
Water Policy – To provide relief from the tension, Councillors take turns throwing water balloons at their favourite target, Councillor Remmerswaal. The public is invited to get wet!

11:30am
Sound Science – Watch the science staff in action as they draw straws to determine who must inform CEO Andrew Newman that adding 25,000 hectares of intensified farming in Central Hawke’s Bay will in fact further degrade the Tukituki. Not for the queasy.

12:00pm
Lunch — bring your own
[Optional field trip: Chairman Fenton Wilson leads a tour of the Council Building’s million dollar leaky roof. Gold coin donations are welcome for the repair fund.]

1:00pm
Stern Oversight – Watch your Councillors in action as they receive staff reports on the Fracking Is Your Friend program, stupid things the Hastings and Napier Councils have done, and the myth of global warming. Spirited jocularity is expected. Get ready to join in the mirth!

3:00pm
Afternoon tea
[Optional field trip: Join Councillor Ewan McGregor on the lawn outside the building for a lesson in planting poplar poles.]

3:15pm
Fine Art of Debate – Marvel at the trench warfare of Council policy-making as Councillors Neil Kirton, Tim Gilbertson, Eileen von Dadelszen and Christine Scott demonstrate their fast-paced repartee laced with witty asides, snarky comments, odd observations and mutual disdain. [Warning to sensitive ratepayers: This could get ugly.]

3:59pm
Bi-cultural Moment – Learn what’s on the mind of the Maori Advisory Committee, as detailed by Maori representative Mike Mohi.

4:00pm
Photo Opportunity – Get your commemorative photo with your favourite Councillor(s). Copies of HBRC’s promotional publication, Our Place, personally signed by each Councillor and the Chief Executive, will be distributed free of charge.

4:30pm
Transparency – Council will go into public-excluded session. However, members of the public will be invited to watch the proceeding through the windows, and to guess the subject by reading Councillors’ lips. First person to correctly identify the topic will receive a free Go Bus voucher.

Children are welcome to attend the Open Day; however parents are advised that Councillor Alan Dick will be in attendance, and language may offend.

That risk aside, the HBRC Open Day promises to be a scintillating event, opening your eyes to the intricacies and gravity of Council work. A day you’ll never forget.

Tom Belford