Yesterday in the Swiss Alps, 600 enviros posed nude in a Greenpeace demonstration on the Aletsch Glacier to dramatize our vulnerability to global warming.

Inspired by this stirring display, Napier Mayor Barbara Arnott pledged that, if re-elected, she would personally lead a campaign to make next year’s Great Long Lunch on Marine Parade a nude event. “I’ve had my differences with Greenpeace,” she said, “But we do agree on the power of nudity to arouse apathetic citizens.”

When pressed to reveal what cause her naked demonstration would endorse, Mayor Arnott kept her cards close to her chest. “I won’t bare the lucky cause until I’m re-elected. That of course is a certainty, since no one is brave enough to get their butt into the ring against me.”

“Actually, I have several causes in mind,” she continued. “We might dine in the buff in solidarity with Citizens for Dull Sub-division Names. Or Citizens Against Noisy Bell Towers. Or Citizens Against Art Deco. These are unpopular causes I’ve always wanted to support, but I felt politically constrained. Now that I have no opponent to worry about, I’m free to let it all hang out and do as I please.”

BayBuzz felt obliged to point out to the Mayor that five days still remained (as of Monday, August 20) for an opposing candidate to declare.

At this, Mayor Arnott erupted in laughter, “Are you kidding me? I own this town. I’d get a bigger majority than Idi Amin or Robert Mugabe. Napier’s voters don’t want or need a choice. In fact, we might as well skip mailing out the ballots to save ratepayer money. As much as I’d like to be re-crowned re-elected with 100% of the vote, can we really justify spending the money to print and mail paper ballots if I have no opponent? And think of all the paper — trees — we can save.”

Asked about Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard’s vehement opposition to Boobs on Bikes, an event where topless models will ride motorcycles through the city’s CBD, Mayor Arnott sniffed, “Dick’s got to lighten up. No wonder he’s got an opponent and I don’t. Boobs on Bikes are welcome in Napier … we never say No to a tourist.”

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