Nearly breathless with emotion, Mayor Lawrence Yule announced last week that the proposed regional sports park could be the key to reducing crime in Hawke’s Bay … indeed the entire east coast.
“I was dismayed to see Hawke’s Bay was over-represented in the recent blitz on drink driving, especially among younger drivers. This, and our ‘performance’ in other offending, is exactly the type of thing we’re aiming to turn around with the Regional Sports Park,” he said in a statement to the media.
Apparently the theory is that young would-be offenders will be so exhausted from making the trip back and forth from their homes to the sports park that they won’t have any time or energy left to drink, race or burgle.
“And this is just the tip of the iceberg,” exclaimed Mayor Yule in an exclusive BayBuzz interview.
“We’ve actually discovered that the sports park location seems to have magical powers. We think it might have something to do with that special Heretaunga Plains soil. Already there’s evidence that the sports park might also cure bovine tuberculosis, prevent crop-damaging hailstorms, eradicate arthritis amongst senior citizens, stop beach erosion at Clifton, end migration to Australia, and reduce the amount of time it takes our computers to boot up. There’s something in this sports park for everyone!”
“For all these benefits, no price is too high,” he added.
Mayor Yule predicted that fundraising for the sports complex would undoubtedly pick up steam, even in a collapsing economy, as this full range of social benefits — with others surely yet to be discovered — became better known to ratepayers and prospective donors.
“What business or individual ratepayer would not set aside the minor inconvenience of their own bankruptcy to help pay for these benefits? In fact, we’ve had inquiries from all over the world regarding how a sports park can restore social health and avoid economic calamity. Just think, we might have started a global sports park movement, right here in Hawke’s Bay!” At that, the Mayor excused himself to take a call from President-elect Obama.
P.S. BayBuzz attempted to reach Sam Kelt, Head Pitchman for the sports park, for a comment endorsing Mayor’s Yule’s vision. But unfortunately he was otherwise detained.