Nearly breathless with emotion, Mayor Lawrence Yule announced last week that the proposed regional sports park could be the key to reducing crime in Hawke’s Bay … indeed the entire east coast.

“I was dismayed to see Hawke’s Bay was over-represented in the recent blitz on drink driving, especially among younger drivers. This, and our ‘performance’ in other offending, is exactly the type of thing we’re aiming to turn around with the Regional Sports Park,” he said in a statement to the media.

Apparently the theory is that young would-be offenders will be so exhausted from making the trip back and forth from their homes to the sports park that they won’t have any time or energy left to drink, race or burgle.

“And this is just the tip of the iceberg,” exclaimed Mayor Yule in an exclusive BayBuzz interview.

“We’ve actually discovered that the sports park location seems to have magical powers. We think it might have something to do with that special Heretaunga Plains soil. Already there’s evidence that the sports park might also cure bovine tuberculosis, prevent crop-damaging hailstorms, eradicate arthritis amongst senior citizens, stop beach erosion at Clifton, end migration to Australia, and reduce the amount of time it takes our computers to boot up. There’s something in this sports park for everyone!”

“For all these benefits, no price is too high,” he added.

Mayor Yule predicted that fundraising for the sports complex would undoubtedly pick up steam, even in a collapsing economy, as this full range of social benefits — with others surely yet to be discovered — became better known to ratepayers and prospective donors.

“What business or individual ratepayer would not set aside the minor inconvenience of their own bankruptcy to help pay for these benefits? In fact, we’ve had inquiries from all over the world regarding how a sports park can restore social health and avoid economic calamity. Just think, we might have started a global sports park movement, right here in Hawke’s Bay!” At that, the Mayor excused himself to take a call from President-elect Obama.

Tom Belford

P.S. BayBuzz attempted to reach Sam Kelt, Head Pitchman for the sports park, for a comment endorsing Mayor’s Yule’s vision. But unfortunately he was otherwise detained.

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  1. The truth is as bizarre as your satire with the RSP Tom

    While Messiah Yule turns the Sports Park into his Holy Grail to cure all ills, Sam Kelt, the Warlock of the entire scheme sucks up $25,000 of ratepayers money a month to manage the fundraising of $40m in the deepest recession since 1929.

    Napier and Regional Council are unlikely to commit funds and central Government is strapped. Business everywhere is shrinking but Kelt gets his $25.000 a month from us to party at Kidnappers and be arrested in Diva.

    Kelt has greased Yule as smoothly as Lowe did over Ocean Beach. That liason cost us $3m. This one is mounting by the day,

    A mall is planned for Nelson Park and Kelt is part of the development. We've all been conned. Yule might cry foul, but still the penny hasn't dropped for him.

    The Sports Park is a con. And whatever benefits might accrue, the greatest beneficiary of all is Sam Kelt.

  2. What gets me, I believe the comments form Mark Swwet re Mayor Lawrence Yule, and his obsession for a sports park, and using our disadvantage as a marketing ploy, however never a comment from his council,, either way.? They seem so submissive as MayorLawrence, leads them to "the dried up watering hole"…

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