Outraged that they are more and more often kicked out of the Napier Aquatic Centre, casual swimmers have schooled together with the intention of practising their backstrokes at Marineland.

Increasingly, it seems, Aquatic Centre use is being booked in advance, forcing the casual swimmers, including those doing aquatic rehab, to flounder on dry land.

Noticing that Marineland is under-utilised, Napier casual swimmer Johnny Weissmuller has organised his compatriots to do their laps in the dolphin pool. “The needs of people come before the coddling of a bunch of fish … we’re higher up the food chain, after all,” said the strident Weissmuller, snapping his Speedos.

Napier Councillors John Cocking and Kathie Furlong enthusiastically support Mr. Weissmuller’s initiative. They have recently discovered that Napier’s population is the oldest in the region, with one-third over 65 years, and the proportion of greyhairs certain to rise steadily in coming years.

“Our Urban Growth Strategy has identified a looming shortage of water aerobics facilities in Napier. I can’t think of a better use for Marineland than to meet the needs of our most wrinkled residents … a SplashPlanet for seniors,” said Cocking.

Added Furlong: “A worldwide surge in the number of aged swimmers is predicted. We think positioning Marineland as a mecca for retirement swimming will attract far more visitors than an aging dolphin. As Councillors we must deal with the harsh realities, and turn Marineland’s death dive into an opportunity. We will deal honorably with the current inhabitants of Marineland during the transition period.”

Marineland’s staunchest advocates, Clifford Church and Harry Lawson, indicated they will fight the proposal. “Marineland is about fish, not people,” said Lawson.

Reached en route home from her trip to Venice and Amsterdam, Mayor Arnott exclaimed: “Good god, this is exactly why I’ve recommended abolishing Councillors. I’ve been gone a measly two weeks and look at the tempest they’ve caused. I can understand Cocking going off the deep end, but Kathie has always been a reliable anchor.”

BayBuzz will follow the ripples.


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1 Comment

  1. I can see where this leading. "Bertie" Cocking has an ace up his tailored sleeve, and once humans are entrenched in Marineland, he will announce his brilliant proposal.

    Marineland: International HQ of Synchronised Swimming

    Fitting so snugly into the Deco 'brand', Barbra will be livid she didn't think of it first, but she'll concede the day she dons a filly bathing cap and with a peg on her nose and smile fixed, succombs to the joy of sychronised swimming.

    Napier should move fast on this before Lawrence and Sam steal the idea for the Sports Park. It would be such a fitting response to the Commissioners enquiry into why swimming facilities are not included.

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