This Special Report, exclusive to BayBuzz, was filed moments ago by Louis Chambers, intrepid BayBuzz correspondent & first year Otago University student, who spotted Winston Peters entering a side door of Dunedin Hospital wearing a false mustache and dark glasses.

“Winston Peters has barricaded himself in Dunedin Hospital, hoping to avoid further questioning about his financial affairs.

Before disappearing into the hospital, Peters said to this correspondent: “There’s a silver lining to this norovirus outbreak. The way hospitals are run in New Zealand, I don’t expect this virus to be eradicated until well after the election. And as long as the quarantine stays in place, I’ll be untouchable. No pesky visitors from the media, select committees, or Helen’s office.”

Chief Nursing Officer Teresa Bradfield was non-committal when asked to confirm that Mr. Peters might be kept in isolation until Christmas. She commented: “This norovirus is really persistent. Whatever treatment he receives will be quite expensive, and he’s asked me to mention that anyone wishing to contribute to his special health fund is encouraged to contact his lawyer, Brian Henry, P.O. Box 2008, Island of Jersey.”

How Peters managed to penetrate the lock-down and get into the restricted access hospital is a matter of speculation.

Says MP Craig Foss: “I detect the hand of Minister David Cunliffe in this. Winston would have needed inside help to get through such tight security. And who better than the Health Minister. There’s no doubt that the Labour government wants desperately to get him into quarantine before he accepts more contributions. Winston has an addiction; he just can’t say, Enough is Enough!”

Foss’ theory is supported by rumours that master Labour troubleshooter and hospital rescuer Sir John Anderson was seen boarding a flight to Dunedin this afternoon in Wellington. Speculation is that Sir John has been dispatched to inject moral scruples into Mr. Peters. This is an extremely dangerous procedure, as Mr. Peter’s highly resistant immune system is expected to fight mightily to reject this foreign intrusion.

Other sources in Wellington tell me that Foreign Minister Peters was foiled in an effort to seek diplomatic immunity at the US Embassy. Apparently, US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice responded to a communique from the American Ambassador, saying, “Winston who?”

I’m stationed in the hospital lobby awaiting further developments.”

Louis Chambers
E-mailed at 7pm Thursday, August 28

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