[As published in March/April BayBuzz magazine.]

Get up, Couch Potato! Enough wallowing. Enough worrying about money. Enough staying in because you’re too tired, or too sick, or finally well after a nasty bout of something-or-other but want to save your strength because you have work in the morning. 

Put on your dancing shoes, some lip gloss, that bedazzled jacket you bought for just such a moment as this. We are going out! 

Rest assured we won’t be out long. Just enough time to pump some dollars into the night-time economy: Aperitif to whet the whistle, cover charge because a band’s on, margarita slushie, espresso martini before home-time. We’ll be in bed by ten for a cuppa and an episode of Taskmaster. Promise. 

I am blighted by JOMO just like the rest of you. But come on people, if we don’t buy the ticket, see the show, purchase merch and get a skin full once in a while then this place is going to dry up. It’ll become an entertainment wasteland. We’ll only have Clubs Hastings to drink at. We’ll have to join the Lions just to get some evening action. 

Besides, if we went out once in a while, you never know, we might actually enjoy it. 

We’ve been doing ‘going out’ all wrong. We’ve been lulled into believing spontaneity is best, that casual is all-good, that ‘come as you are’ is ‘a-ok’. No more. The anticipation of shenanigans is part of the pleasure and puritan restraint has gone too far. We need to make an Occasion of every occasion. If we must get up and get dressed then we should get dressed up! Any excuse to wear that canary-yellow neoprene rock-frock with the matching ‘80s jellies, right? 

Hawke’s Bay: I hate to scold but we have commitment issues. We always book late or not at all. We take for granted ticket sales will be slow, or we’ll know the schmuck on the door and weasel our way in. Every event promoter in town feels like Nigel No-Mates in the run up to a gig and it wreaks havoc for organisers who have invested great slabs of their own hide on tech and talent. 

The other problem is young people. Millennials are too sensible and too miserly to help out: saving for a house, and single-handedly ruining the wine industry. Gen Z is no better: spending their pocket money on gym memberships, YouTube subscriptions and vape juice. According to a reputable news site (Reddit) young people have stopped drinking and started ‘soft clubbing’, which is a straight-edge dance party from 5pm to 9pm on a weeknight. 

We did that back in our day too. It was called Blue-Light Disco, remember? We were 12. And it’s not a great way to keep the city buzzing after dark. 

Us Gen Xers, and our timeworn friends the Boomers, need to lead by example … Demonstrate how to blow a pay packet in a night with nothing to show for it but bruises and some dodgy polaroids … or how to go out for liquid lunch on Friday and seamlessly slide through to bottomless brunch on Saturday. 

It’s not hedonistic self-indulgence. We’re not doing it for us. We’re doing it for the greater good, to build social capital and increase inner-city vibrancy. We have a responsibility to contribute to the wellbeing of society! 

Personally, there are bona fide benefits to Bacchanalia: getting in my steps, building new friendships and solidifying old ones, bolstering my parasympathetic nervous system, gaining fresh insights into the human condition. Nothing resets a perspective better than watching a workmate lip-sync to ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’ while mounted on a mechanical bull. 

The best nights out are the serendipitous ones, of course. Those evenings you meant to stay in with a good book until kismet came a’knocking. But even spontaneous revelry needs a plan. In fact, to do this properly we probably need a pre-party plan, a party-party plan, a post-party plan and a debrief (not that I’m over-thinking it). 

The carousing starts from the first call up on Messenger. Here’s where the raison d’etre is mooted. Maybe there’s a motive (someone’s birthday) or maybe it’s just a salacious invitation that’s too tempting to ignore (a dancing bear gif saying “Wanna get lit?”). 

Then we’ll gather a coterie. We’ll need a wing-man, a fall-guy, a side-kick, a loose-cannon and a teetotaller with a people mover. That way we can get up to high-jinks, have a laugh and make it home without someone losing their license. 

Next, we’ll decide where we’re preloading. Someone’s house is best, but it needs to be messy with a pile of dishes and washing to fold because otherwise we’ll be tempted to stay in. 

So here’s the deal: next time someone sends you a cheeky gif at seven on a Thursday, don’t leave them on read. Put down the remote, step over the laundry, and reply with a thumbs up because the best stories never begin: “I stayed home”, they start: “Okay, but only for one.”