[As published in March/April BayBuzz.]

Since almost the beginning of time, women have been socially conditioned to say ‘yes’. Yes to extra work. Yes to family obligations. Yes to social expectations. 

And when we do say ‘no’ we tend to feel guilty about it. Women feel more obligated than men to agree to requests and feel more guilty when we say no. 

Because of this social expectation and our compliance with it, women are more frequently asked to take on unpaid, low-recognition (i.e. ‘thankless’) tasks – whether in the workplace, at home, or in the community. Sometimes this is a joy, but sometimes this has serious implications for our personal wellbeing, including our health and fitness goals. 

The ability to say no is not just an issue of time management, it is a fundamental aspect of self-care. If we want to prioritise feeling strong, healthy, and empowered in our bodies, we must learn to set firm, unapologetic boundaries – especially around our fitness, nutrition, and mental wellbeing. And the most powerful way to do that? One simple change to our language can make a huge difference. 

Replace ‘I can’t’ with ‘I don’t’ 

Too often, when we decline a request, we offer an excuse: “I can’t.” But here’s the problem – this language is weak and disempowering. It implies that if the circumstances were different, you might say yes. It invites negotiation, as the requester may present a work-around to your excuse. It increases the likelihood that you will be asked again in the future, when the excuse you gave no longer applies. 

Compare that to a policy: “I don’t.” Policies are empowering. They communicate self-respect and finality. You are seen as a more confident and in-control person. People are far less likely to push back against a firm, well-articulated boundary than a hesitant excuse. And you won’t get asked again at another time, as your policy is unlikely to have changed! 

Consider these two responses: 

• Excuse: “I can’t stay late to finish this project.” 

• Policy: “I don’t work past 5.30pm.” 

The first response leaves room for negotiation – maybe you could stay late just this once? Maybe you could rearrange things so you can? Maybe tomorrow you could stay late? The second response signals a clear boundary that does not require further discussion. 

Remove “I can’t” from your vocabulary and replace it with “I don’t” (or maybe “I never”, or if it fits, “I always”). 

Notice how it changes the way you feel about your choices. Notice how others respond. You may be surprised at how much more confident, empowered, and respected you feel simply by shifting your language. 

Say no to what doesn’t serve your goals 

Policies not only change how your no comes across, they can also reinforce behaviours that you have decided you want. This is especially powerful when it comes to health and wellness goals. 

For example: 

• “I don’t take the lift when I can take the stairs.” 

• “I don’t skip my morning workout.” 

• “I don’t drink alcohol.” 

• “I don’t stay out late during the week.” 

The words “I can’t” might have made those statements feel like deprivation or punishment. Framing your positive health behaviours as a policy make them an empowering choice rather than a restriction. This helps us stay committed and feel in control of our decisions. We are acting in alignment with our long-term goals. 

It isn’t a level playing field 

When it comes to carving out time for fitness, men and women aren’t playing on a level field. While (on average) men tend to have more work commitments, women spend longer hours on family responsibilities and tend to have less control over their schedules. Interestingly, when men work more paid hours, they tend to reduce their household workload to compensate. Women, however, don’t have this luxury – regardless of their paid work hours, their family responsibilities remain the same. 

This has real consequences for women’s health. The more family work women take on, the less time they have for exercise, turning what should be a positive health habit into yet another item they struggle to fit in. Fitness and wellness often take a back seat to the needs of others. 

Anecdotally, I have seen this scenario play out often among clients and friends. Perhaps this isn’t surprising given that Hawke’s Bay has a strong representation of women running and owning businesses and in leadership positions, while at the same time being a region with above average birth rates. If we want to see our women thrive physically, mentally and emotionally, this struggle to make time for our health and wellness is an issue that should be raised and addressed within families, workplaces and communities. 

Rewrite limiting beliefs 

Another critical area where we need to say no is to our own limiting beliefs. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “I can’t do that” when it comes to fitness. Whether it’s lifting weights, running 5km, getting up the Peak a couple of times a week, or simply committing to regular movement, the belief that we are too old, too unfit, or too busy is a major barrier. 

Let’s reframe that mindset. Instead of “I can’t lift heavy weights,” say, “I don’t limit myself in the gym.” Instead of “I can’t run,” say, “I don’t underestimate what my body is capable of.” Losing the “I can’t” language is just as important with yourself as it is in setting boundaries with others. Surround yourself with people who reinforce this mindset and distance yourself from those who undermine it! 

Make your yes count 

So when do you say yes? Examine your instinctive reaction before you respond – do you sense any reluctance? It’s easy to say yes out of obligation or guilt, but those reluctant yeses drain our energy and pull us away from what truly matters – including our health. A yes that leads to you staying up late, skipping a workout, or indulging in junk food is also a no to feeling strong, energized, and in control of your wellbeing. 

On the other hand, a committed yes – to your workouts, your nutrition, your recovery – feels amazing. It’s the kind of yes that aligns with your goals and makes you feel unstoppable. 

Saying no isn’t about being difficult. It’s about protecting your energy, time, and wellbeing so you can say yes to the things that truly matter – including your health, your strength, and your future. 

Janine Couchman is a personal trainer and fitness coach specialising in strength training women of all ages and stages. As well as private coaching, she delivers an eight-week group programme at Peak Fitness and Health. She can be found at janinecouchman.com and @JaninecouchmanPT