You might recall, as I reported here, that BayBuzz was recently hammered by President Trump for publishing what he considered unfair criticism of his presidency.

The punishments he meted out included censoring our website and suspending my Social Security payments. Yikes … what to do?!

Well, as we all have seen, first and foremost Trump considers himself a dealmaker, the best in the world as he confirms in his book on the subject. Tariffs … the thrill of the chase.

So, I decided to exploit that trait and offer a deal – favourable to him of course – to atone for my editorial misconduct.

No, I didn’t offer to sell Hawke’s Bay. Only the Matariki Governance Group could do that.

But I did propose to build a luxury ‘reprisal retreat’ on my property overlooking the Tukituki to ‘house’ some of the ‘undesirables’ he wants to relocate, exceeding the opulence of Cape Kidnappers. 

“Cape Kidnappers … why have they never invited me for a free round of golf,” he interjected, “And a chance to fondle (I held my breath) those cute little kiwis?”

“What’s so good about Hawke’s Bay anyway,” he asked. I mentioned world-class wine. “Oh yeah, that savvy-something stuff … we order it in huge plastic containers here at the White House and at Mar-a-Lago. Melania loves it.”

Getting back on target, I indicated that my reprisal retreat would include 20 lodges, offering bucolic views, fresh air, friendly calves and lambs to pat and eat, all the apples and sausage rolls they could eat, and hourly bus service to unspoiled Ocean Beach. 

“Sounds too good. What’s the punishment part,” he asked impatiently. 

I described our full reprisal package. “They will only have access to bus travel, public health care, wood stove heating and lousy cell phone service. Line dancing classes will be mandatory, and their children will be sent to decile 1 schools (I pitched how this could be the break with ‘entitlement’ he is really after). No staff quarters or au pairs. No veal, fresh trout or decent peaches.

“And most importantly, they’ll have only strictly controlled media access — basically Fox News, weekly private Zoom indoctrination by his astonishing Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, a handful of his favourite podcast influencers, plus rugby, cricket and darts. It’ll be hell down under. And they won’t know they’re being punished until it’s too late to opt for El Salvador.”

“Wow, no CNN or NY Times, that’s pretty tough. What’s the catch?” the ever-wary President asked, “How much are you charging?”

“Not a cent,” I replied, “You just cover the air travel, but I do have one condition.” 

I went on to explain that my retreat would only admit individuals documented as partners in law firms, PhD scientists, university presidents, prosecutors in the Justice Department, non-complying judges, Inspector Generals, climate change believers, or high net worth business rivals. I knew this would seal the deal … I was ridding him of the people he hates the most.

“I LOVE IT,” he exclaimed. “And the rest I can send to Libya!”

“Tom, you have deal. I’ll throw in some bitcoin … and I’ll add some used roulette wheels from our basement to keep them busy. You’re exactly the kind of despicable valueless hustler I love to do business with. You got my private line. Let’s stay in touch.”

I felt the bromance blossoming.

The first planeload of ‘migrants’ arrives in July. We’ll be putting them up at Kennedy Park until our luxury retreat, consents pending, is completed in 2027.