Who would have imagined the punishing arm of Donald Trump would reach Hawke’s Bay? No one nowhere escapes his vengeance!
Having intercepted our articles critical of his clown show administration (yikes, I’m already self-censoring!), President Trump has come down hard on BayBuzz. It seems that BayBuzz was next on his list after Harvard.
In a brief profanity-laced What’sApp call, a red-faced President Trump was particularly upset by BayBuzz’s frequent use of the word ‘Māori’ (he said ‘Marry’), which he says represents unacceptable use of ‘diversity’ language.
When I asked, he seemed unclear about the status of other words using macrons, indicating that these were under further review. Nevertheless, he ordered me to remove all words with macrons anywhere in the BayBuzz website. “And we’ll be watching you, Tom,” he warned.
If I do not comply within 30 days, my US Social Security payments will be suspended (that’s bad) and I will be denied entry to the US (not so bad).
In a slight tangent, he mentioned something about annexing the Chatham Islands “for strategic reasons”. “We’ll make our case directly to the islanders,” he said. I’ll mention that to Winston.
But that’s not the end of it. Clearly there’s heaps of personal information sharing between agencies like the Social Security Administration, the Internal Revenue Service and Elon Musk’s DOGE operation.
It seems DOGE even probed NZ’s Companies Register.
President Trump is bad enough, but somehow DOGE got wind of BayBuzz too. BayBuzz has now been audited, “exhorbitant spending” has been identified, and in a personal email from Elon himself, I have been instructed to fire BayBuzz’s one full-time employee.
Moreover, having identified that I’ve made past donations to the American Civil Liberties Union, Amnesty International and Planned Parenthood, I have been given the option to resign quietly, or be fired and have my US citizenship revoked.
A tariff has been imposed on the three BayBuzz magazines I send to friends in the States. Seriously, these guys are granular.
JUST IN! As I go to press, I’ve just been informed that each of my three US BayBuzz readers are on a plane to El Salvador! Jeez, I need to … wait …
Gotta run … there’s a knock at my door.
Don’t panic Tom! We can grant you asylum as a Trumpian refugee
We’ll grant you immediate citizenship of the Republic of Waikato, come on over, we need someone like you here!
With respect Tell President Trump to stay in his own lane. We respect all people’s and cultures, We are not changing for him and what he wants
What could be more appropriate than the immortal lines of Macbeth: “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player / that struts and frets
his hour upon the stage, / And then is heard no more: It is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, / Signifying nothing.”
.”