[As published in July/August BayBuzz magazine.]

Desperately seeking: a hot date for Cosmo Jones. He’s a stunner… GSOH, loves beach walks and lazy nights on the couch watching Netflix. Shaggy blond locks. Puppy-dog eyes. Nice manners. Plays well with others. Sits on command. Maybe a little possessive, especially around balls. He’s a bordoodle (or a colloodle): Mother a working dog – ginger long-haired border collie. And his dad? Carrot, the farmer’s wife’s pedigree miniature poodle.

Cosmo struts his stuff around Pākōwhai like he knows his ancestry is full of waterfowlers, circus performers, Crufts champs and dogs who speak French; like he knows he’s hypoallergenic, and the second most intelligent breed listed with the Royal Kennel Club. He’s a softie, a show off, a party boy and a smooch.

Which is why I’m sure he’d be a great plus-one for somebody’s bitch.

At the dog park, every third dog has a bit of poodle in it (and all the rest wish they did!). Cavoodles, spoodles, foodles, whoodles, groodles, retrodoodles and goldiepoos, maltipoos, westiepoos, papipoos and corgipoos. Oodles of poodles everywhere. I’m yet to meet a Saint Bernadoodle, but it’s only a matter of time.

Poodle crosses are de rigueur and I imagine mine would make lovely puppies. Chocolate-box cuties for small children and people with hangovers to cuddle on bean bags. Clever too. Cute dogs who can search out drugs and lead blind people across busy roads. And calm. Calm, cute, clever dogs who can help the anxious, the allergic, the epileptic, and kids who can’t read very well. 

The Hawke’s Bay pup-ulation includes 165 poodles. A whole caboodle of doodles too, going by what I see at the dog park every day. (Those are just the registered dogs, and -oodle owners always register their dogs, they are those kinds of humans!)

Poodles are the best of all worlds. They are working dogs deep down who know how to dig and fetch, but they have manners too. From Mum’s ‘teacup’ Boudica to my favourite lawyer’s ‘standard’ Sir Frederick Fine, poodles make the best companions. If dog is man’s best friend, then poodles are man’s best best friend.

It’s not easy to find a ‘companion’ for my stud muffin though. It’s not the kind of thing you can easily google. And approaching potential partners in parks is harder than you might think: “Hey, you’ve got a cute schnauzer, can I grab your digits?…”

I have browsed the NZ Stud Dogs page on Facebook and it’s intimidating: a griffin on his back showing off his family jewels, a Chihuahua whose owner brags that he was born with “both testicals so should be very fertile”. Jeff the Yorkie appears twice and has fathered five litters already – “Proven Stud!”. Odin the Pom has had three lots and is still “looking for love”. Moose is a retriever with “charm and beauty”.

It’s probably not very PC either, trying to make more dogs. Maybe we have enough already. Even in the -oodle category. Rescuing doodles is more ethical than breeding them. 

Rescues can be a nature vs nurture lottery. No matter how much I aggrandise Cosmo’s charisma he is also the product of a fair amount of training (thanks Augusta and Al). The poodle’s often not the problem, it’s the spaniel bit, the terrier bit, the retriever bit, and the collie bit that need exercise, a strong hand and a firm voice. Trade Me has oodles of poodle-cross designer dogs listed for adoption at about 10 months when they mature from a storybook puppy into an actual dog with all the barking, bolting and belligerence that goes with it.

Hooking-up any kind of canines can be dangerous too. My mate ended up in a moonboot for months when she tripped over labradors copulating on her back deck. Another friend has PTSD after her jack russell got knotted with the neighbour and was stuck like that for hours with her kindy-aged kids watching gobsmacked from the kitchen window.

More than one friend has suggested a side hustle: A dating app for dogs. Tinder, Hinge or Bumble but doggie-style. Call it Bounder or – dare I say it? – Boner. I take a photo of Cosmo wearing sunglasses on his head and holding a fish then post it to social media. Zero swipes right.

I ask my single friends for tips and they tell me just start with a coffee … that diving in straight away with “How do you feel about children?” might come on a little strong. 

I guess that depends on which life stage you’re up to. A three-year-old bichon frise might hear her body clock ticking and be prepared to leap into something more meaningful than a meet-cute over a puppaccino.

And, Cosmo’s not fussy. When it comes to love buddies, anything can canoodle with an -oodle. Foxy, spitz, shitzu, lowchen, lhasa apso, xoloitzcuintli the Mexican hairless dog … the combinations are endless. 

So if there’s anyone out there with an ‘intact female’ who fancies a ‘playdate’, my boy’s in … balls and all. (But only ‘til the summer, then I don’t care how cute or clever he is, it’s “snip snip”!). Email him directly at [email protected]