Just in the nick of time, given that the Hastings Council’s consultation process is underway, Sam Kelt has announced the first outside funders for the proposed regional sports park.

In a press release issued over the weekend, Kelt Capital revealed brief profiles of the first funders to step forward.

Onga Onga resident Sylvia Carswell has posted $25 in cash to the project, enabling a bank account finally to be opened for the park. Said Ms. Carswell: “My grandaughter Sophie is obese and a smoker. When I heard that the regional sports park would be offering women’s artistic gymnastics, I knew we had found the answer to her afflictions. Sophie’s so excited. She’s promised her Mum and me that she will bike to the park daily to participate in the new program.”

Mayor Barbara Arnott has committed $100 on behalf of the Napier City Council. “It isn’t the $3 million Sam was expecting, but he graciously accepted nonetheless,” said Mayor Arnott. “He told me this $100 was far more valuable than the cheesy ‘Endorsement in Principle’ he got from the Regional Council.”

Mr. Kelt commented: “It’s the thought that counts. This magnificent gift from the Napier Council will put to rest those scurrilous rumours propagated by BayBuzz that Napier wants nothing to do with the Hastings regional sports park. Indeed, Barbara gave me a wink and said that this was just a down payment … we could expect a cool $1,000 once her new museum was completed.”

And in a surprise development, outgoing(?) President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has made a spectacular offer to Kelt Capital.

As Sam recounts: “I was checking my email and there it was, out of the blue, a pledge from Mr. Mugabe. The email said that all I need to do is “facilitate’ moving $1 billion from the Bank of Zimbabwe to a private Swiss account, and Mr. Mugabe will donate the ‘facilitation fee’ of $10 million to the sports park. And he doesn’t even want naming rights. We’ve had to forward $500,000 to Mr. Mugabe’s wife’s uncle in Sierra Leone to open the Swiss account, but I’m assured that’s just a temporary technicality.”

Finally, overcome by Mr. Mugabe’s generosity, Mayor Lawrence Yule was moved to make his own donation to the sports park. Apparently, the Hubert Donald Yule Trust (HuDoYu Trust), a trust established on Lawrence’s behalf by his late uncle, twice removed, has pledged to underwrite any and all operating deficits of the sports park after year five of operation.

Commented sole trustee Mayor Yule: “I’m proud my family has come forward in this fashion. But let me be frank, I don’t expect the trust will need to pay a penny. I’m that much confident in the business plan put forward for the park. In fact, watch my lips, I’ll personally match penny for penny any money the Trust needs to pay for any operating losses. There will be no financial risk to Hastings ratepayers.”

Enthused Sam Kelt: “This is a great payday for the regional sports park … $10,000,125. Plus a commitment to cover the operating losses that won’t materialize. And we haven’t even hit on the central government yet. I can feel the tide coming in. This is so easy I’m beginning to feel guilty about all the fees Kelt Capital is collecting. Well … not that guilty.”

We’re certainly more relieved here at BayBuzz. With Hastings ratepayers’ $20 million, there’s only another $30 million or so to go.


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